


I will find you again

by bellarkegriffin_blake



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 7x12 redo, Angst, Brainwashed Bellamy Blake, F/M, Fix It Fic, a version of it anyways, clarke's memories, mcap torture, split POV, tortured clarke, what could have happened in 7x12, what should have happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:00:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26115340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellarkegriffin_blake/pseuds/bellarkegriffin_blake
Summary: Clarke can't stand seeing Bellamy like this, actually believing in this Shepard bullshit. It isn't him. There has to be a way to get him back.OrThe way I think 7x12 could have gone with her memories to break Bellamy out of his brainwashed state.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Kudos: 58





	I will find you again

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure I'm not the only one who was disappointed we got to see none of Clarke's memories or how those memories would affect Bellamy. Fear no more, I've decided to fix that flaw. Of course this is only one of many ways it could have gone, but this is what I personally wanted to see. Hope you like it!

**CLARKE**

_How did they get here?_

_How did making it all this way, surviving so long, turn into_ this?

Clarke feels a trickle of her own black blood slide down her already sweaty cheek as she struggles against the MCAP machine. It’s exhausting, and most likely killing her, but she refuses to let them into her mind. Her memories will give Cadogan and those godforsaken Disciples exactly what they want, and she will not let that happen. Especially when everyone she loves is at risk. 

“Clarke, please stop resisting,” Bellamy’s low voice begs from the other side of the room. She can tell he is trying to be monotonous, unemotional, but he fails. His next sentence cracks, “You’re killing yourself.”

“Better me dead than you giving your _Shepard_ ,” Clarke spits the name at him without looking and continues, “what he needs to start yet another war.”

She wriggles and writhes in the cold metal chair, keeping her mind busy. It takes so much concentration to also be able to hear anything they say from against the wall. “Listen to me Clarke!” Bellamy shouts. “It will be another war, but it will be the LAST war. Don’t you want that? No more fighting, no more death?”

“What the hell happened to you Bellamy? How can you want to fight anymore? Aren’t you tired of the fighting and the impossible choices?” 

Clarke turns her head, as much as she can, in his general direction. Her eyes beg for him to understand that what he is doing is wrong, but he won’t connect. She knows she won’t be able to keep them out forever, and she is sure now that they are right. She is killing herself. But getting him to snap out of whatever he is going through is worth dying for. At least then he will be able to get their friends out of there and whatever trouble may arise afterwards. Her death would mean something. 

“Think about Octavia,” she chokes out, it’s getting harder to breathe. “Think about everything you’ve done to keep her alive, even when it seemed like the most impossible task in your world. You’ve done so much good, Bellamy. Think about the delinquents and how you made living in an unknown world easier. Think about all our friends that have died; Monty, Harper, Jasper, everyone. What would they think of Bellamy Blake kneeling to a master? It’s brainwashing, Bellamy. The real you is still in there. You are so far down the hole right now, but what matters from now on is how you climb out and make it right.”

He still doesn’t look at her, but with teary eyes, he raises them to the ceiling and says, “I am not the good person everyone thinks I am. I have let everyone you just talked about, and more, down in some way or another. Just give us the location of the Flame and we are done here.”

“Fine, forget about all of them. Think about _me_.” Finally, his dark brown eyes drop to hers with a look of confusion, one brow slightly higher than the other. She holds the contact as best as she can. “You have always been there for me. You have never let me down because I always knew you would come through for me. Even when we were on opposing sides, or fighting about something, we always came around to each other. You are nothing _but_ good, Bellamy. I’m _begging_ you to believe me. Don’t let this one bad choice ruin everything we’ve been through.” 

Bellamy starts fidgeting, looking from side to side and around the room. He is having an internal battle with himself, but she can’t tell which side of him is winning. The side that Cadogan has created, taking away her best friend, or the side that is buried deep inside but clearly making it’s way back to the top. 

Cadogan must sense he is losing his grip on Bellamy because he speaks up, but he expertly disguises any concern he feels. “I’ve had enough of this. Clarke, tell me where the Key is.” She wonders why he hasn’t said anything before now, but knowing his calculating self, there is definitely a reason. 

“Go float yourself.” Clarke looks away from the group again, still managing to cloud her memories, so they get nothing. She will do this until her dying breath, which she feels coming faster and faster. 

A few loud and fast scuffles grabs her attention again. “Clarke,” Bellamy deadpans, once again out of her reach. In her peripheral, she sees two disciples with weapons pointed at Bellamy, one at his throat and the other at his gut. “You know they will kill me if they don’t get what they want, and I am willing to sacrifice myself to help them.”

A part of Clarke wants to spit at him, _Then do it_ , or, _And I am willing to sacrifice anything to stop you._ But when sudden tears spring to her eyes, she knows that’s not true. She can’t sacrifice him any more now than she could back in Polis when ALIE was threatening his life. He is her Achilles heel, and they all know it. 

“Stop.” Clarke relaxes in the chair, no longer feeling the coolness of it through her sweat-soaked shirt. Saltwater mixes with black blood on her cheek as she is no longer able to hold the tears back. “I’ll do it.”

“How am I supposed to believe you now?” Cadogan asks, rightfully suspicious.

“Because when someone I _love_ is in trouble,” she starts, “I do whatever it takes to keep them safe. Even if it means giving a psychopath what he wants.” She gives a last glance at Bellamy, who is once again confused by her words, before closing her eyes and releasing a long breath. 

She listens to the MCAP spiel until she sees the hand reach out for her. It doesn’t surprise her that it has olive skin, and that when she looks up she is captivated by dark brown eyes and curly black hair. Next thing she knows, she is under the spell.

**BELLAMY**

As soon as Clarke is under, the Disciples put down their weapons.

Bellamy wishes this was over; that Clarke would just give the Shepard what he desires to she can stop being tortured. Once they have the Key to access the Last War, she will understand that all this had to be done. They all will. 

But one thing still bothers him: Why the sudden change of heart? She has been fighting this entire time, and as much as he doesn’t want to think about her death, he knows she would never sacrifice everyone else for her own life. It’s one of the reasons he loves her so much. But isn’t that selfish love? Isn’t that what his newfound faith has taught him? 

Bellamy decides to see what his leader thinks. He turns to Cadogan and asks, “My Shepard, how can you trust what she says? If there is one thing I know about Clarke Griffin, it’s that she is cunning and dangerously smart.”

“You saw her,” he replies and sneaks a glance at Bellamy. “Her very soul is shattered.” 

Bellamy has a hard time believing she is broken, though. Clarke has been through too much for this to make her bend to the Shepard’s will. He is about to speak up once again, trying to get through to the Shepard that Clarke always has a plan B, but images start playing on the walls around him. He is immersed in her life. 

The very first memory Bellamy witnesses feels like a slap in the face. He sees himself as a mirror image, and he knows exactly what is being said. Back in the cell with Octavia and Clarke, where he is begging them to listen to his words. Where, after all his life of believing and trusting in Clarke, he asks her to return the favor. The feeling of betrayal was mutual. 

The next that comes is during the Red Sun. He sees himself with his hands around her throat. Bellamy watches as she stabs him in the leg to make him stop attacking. The memory quickly fades away to the night Bellamy put the Flame in Madi’s head. Being her memory, he can’t see her face, but he does see the hand that cracks against his own. Bellamy feels the phantom of it and touches his cheek. Seamlessly, the walls display the remnants of the grounder army that he massacred. Thousands dead at her feet. She had no idea Bellamy had any hand in it, and she barely believed it when she found out.

“Bellamy,” Cadogan says, breaking his reverie. “Are we close? Are we going to find the location of the Key? What can you tell me from these memories?”

“Um, yeah, soon probably. She has been through a lot, so it may take a while.” Bellamy thinks about the memories he has seen so far. He knows how he has felt towards Clarke all these years. It’s always been her. He never lied up on the Ring when he was with Echo, but everything changed when he found Clarke alive after the death wave.  
All these memories are doing is telling him that he should have known there was nothing but co-leadership between them as far as Clarke felt. Is this all she has ever thought about him? Did she ever care for him like he did her?

Bellamy is prepared for another scene that deepens the abyss between him and the woman in the chair. Based on what they have already seen, he tries to predict what he will see next. It could be when he ruined Raven’s radio, dooming everyone on the Ark. Or when he handcuffed her to the table when she returned to Arkadia from Polis. It could be anything.

What ends up playing on the walls is something he never expected. Quick flashes fly around the room. Bellamy holding her hand in Polis as she enters the City of Light. Bellamy catching her as she falls into the trap trying to save Jasper. Bellamy saving Clarke from Jax when he was about to kill them both. Clarke begging for Roan to spare Bellamy’s life. Waking up to see his own face hovering over hers after breathing life back into her body. All of these memories feel so different to Bellamy than first ones. 

They also all feel very familiar to him. Probably, Bellamy thinks, because there was not a single memory where he wasn’t in it. That’s odd, right? Why aren’t there any others playing? Suddenly, there are memories that aren’t familiar to him at all. 

In fact, while he is still in each one, she seems to be looking at him from behind, or secret glances to her peripherals. As soon as Bellamy would look in her general direction, her eyes leave him, and she focuses on her task. This happens for ten minutes or so. Why? Were her eyes always seeking him out the crowd like his always searched for hers? Is it possible that Clarke actually felt something all those years ago?

He gets his answer in the next memory.

Bellamy watches as Clarke is sitting at a fire in the valley with Madi at her feet. Clarke is weaving small braids into the girl’s brown hair as they talk. Now is also the first time he pays enough attention to what is being said rather than what there is to see. Perhaps there has been sound the entire time, but he never noticed. There isn’t much to see, anyways, besides the back of Madi’s head.

“Tell me again about your friends,” a young Madi tells Clarke. 

“Well, what do you want to know? You’ve heard the stories a hundred times,” Clarke replies. 

“I never had friends like yours. I like hearing about them.”

“Okay then. I’ll start with Monty. He is insanely smart and incredibly funny. Sometimes his and Jasper’s jokes didn’t have the best timing, but they never meant any harm to anyone. Jasper was pretty much the life of our party. It was heartbreaking to hear how he passed like he did. Then there is Harper. She is such a sweetheart but always a badass when she needed to be. Raven, oh Raven. I said Monty is smart, and his definitely is, but Raven is a downright genius. You could throw anything at her and she would come up with a solution. Murphy is a weird one.”

“He’s my favorite.”

Clarke rolls her eyes but smiles and says, “Yes, I know. It actually scares me a little. In the beginning he was the biggest jackass in the camp. He did everything for himself and never cared about how he got what he wanted. Once he met Emori, he changed. He started to understand that there is more to life than just survival. It may have just been their survival and no one else’s, but it’s progress. Octavia… she is a hard one. She started out just being a curious teenager. Wandering the camp, but always helping where she could. When Lincoln died, something inside her broke and never healed. I hope she survives the bunker so she can find a new life beyond her first love.”

“And what about…Bellamy?”

Clarke’s hands freeze for a split second, almost like the question catches her off guard. Bellamy, for one, is intrigued. “He is Octavia’s sister and ran the camp with me. You know that.”

Madi, now her hair all done, turns back to face Clarke. “There’s more to him than that.”

“What makes you say that?” She averts her eyes from her daughter’s.

“Come on, Clarke. I hear you at night when you think I’m sleeping. I’ve seen you take out that radio and call to him. Not the Ring, to _him_. He is special.”

“Of course he is special, Madi. I couldn’t have kept everyone alive without him. He was the main reason we were all alive before Praimfaya.” 

“Do you love him?”

Clarke is silent for a few seconds, and Bellamy finds his pulse increasing as he waits for her answer. “You know I love all of them.”

“But you love him more. Why can’t you admit it?” Madi takes Clarke’s hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. 

“You’re right,” Clarke admits on a long sigh, deciding it’s not worth trying to hide in anymore. Her daughter is too smart to believe it anyways. “I love him so much it hurts sometimes. He was the only person that wholly and completely understood me. He always tried to get me to let him take some of the burden of my shoulders. Bellamy supported me and backed me up when I needed it. I love him.”

“Why have you held back so long?” Madi asks. 

“Because I have no idea if he is dead or alive up in space. And it’s easier to not acknowledge how I feel if I believe that I will never see him again. I can’t lose what I never had with him.”

“I bet he loves you, too.”

“I guess I will never know.” A small pause and then Clarke claps her hands in front of her and says, “Time for bed, kid. Goodnight, and remember, you have chores first thing in the morning.”

“Yeah, I know. Goodnight, Clarke.”

The memory fades away to another one, but Bellamy doesn’t register it anymore. All that replays in his mind now is those three words: I love him. 

But the Shepard says that this is selfish love. That he should love everyone equally so he isn’t focused on one person over the many. But how is devoting your entire self to someone else considered selfish? How can being so in love with Clarke Griffin be wrong? He comes to one conclusion.

It isn’t. 

It’s like a dam breaks in his mind, and Bellamy can finally think straight again. He realizes how wrong he has been since being on that other planet. He isn’t sure what happened to him over there, but it was clearly brainwashing, exactly how Clarke said it was. He will find a way to apologize to her, but for now, he has to figure out a way to get her out of here. He looks at the two guards in front of him. Both are still armed, but relaxed and talking to Cadogan. Everyone still thinks he is on their side, and he will use that to his advantage. 

Bellamy slowly walks up behind the Disciples, pretending to still be looking at Clarke’s memories on the walls. The tears he has in the corners of his eyes help the façade, too, even though he wasn’t aware they were there until now. Then, with brutal speed and force, he grabs each head and knocks them together. Both are knocked out on the ground.

“Bellamy, what are you doing!” Cadogan yells.

“I’m saving the woman I love.” Bellamy lunges at Cadogan with a clenched fist but barely clips his chin. The old man is faster than he expected. Too bad for Cadogan that Bellamy has had much more experience in the art of fist fights. Many swings get blocked, but Bellamy finally lands one in his jaw, making Cadogan stumble. 

“All I want is the Key! Why won’t you or Clarke or anyone just understand that!”

“That may be all you want, but I am not helping you start another war. Not again. Now, tell that guy to let her go.” Bellamy picks up a gun from the holster from one of the guards.

“And why would I do that?” Cadogan challenges.

“Because how are people going to believe in transcendence and the Shepard if the Shepard is dead. So, release Clarke and let us and our friends go. Then go ahead and figure out how to fight your war.”

“We can’t fight the Last War unless we have the Key. I thought you understood that.”

“Then I guess you should get settled with the idea of not fighting.” Bellamy points the gun at Cadogan’s forehead. “Now let. Us. Go.”

Cadogan, frustrated that he is losing his battle, motions for Clarke to be taken out of the machine. Bellamy backs up towards her, making sure he never moves his aim, but also keeping an eye on the MCAP technician. 

Once all obvious wires and connections are gone, Bellamy asks, “Is she okay to move now?”

“Yes,” the technician confirms. “She may be a little weak, though.”

“I can handle that.” Then, without warning, Bellamy slams the butt of the gun into the guy’s face. He has to make sure he doesn’t run and get help, but he has no desire to actually kill anyone. While moving the gun to aim at Cadogan once again, he runs a hand across Clarke’s face. She is pale, sweaty, and looks exhausted. Bellamy holds back the tears that come from the fact that he did this to her. How will she ever forgive him?

Finally, her eyes flutter open.

**CLARKE**

The first thing Clarke notices is the insane headache pounding in her skull. Apparently she didn’t push herself to death, even though that’s exactly what she was preparing for. Then next thing is Bellamy’s face hovering directly over hers, and she starts to panic. Is he here to finish the job? Did they get what they wanted for the Flame and he is going to kill her? There is no predicting Bellamy anymore, and her heart shatters by the idea of it.

“Hey, shh, I’m here,” he whispers softly.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about. Well, did you and your _Shepard_ ,” she spits at him again, “get what you needed?”

“Please, I will explain and apologize later, but we need to get out of here. Right. Now.”

“What do you mean…” Clarke takes her eyes from Bellamy’s to find three Disciples on the ground and Cadogan standing over in the corner with his hands in the air. Lastly, she sees the gun in Bellamy’s hands pointed in the same corner where Cadogan stands. “What happened?”

“I’m back, and I will do everything I can to prove to you that I am me again. We need to gather our friends and get to the anomaly stone.”

Bellamy wraps an arm around Clarke’s waist to give her supports. Once they get to the door, Clarke stops. 

“What are we going to do with him?” Clarke asks, nodding towards Cadogan. 

“I don’t want to kill him,” Bellamy admits. 

“Neither do I,” Clarke agrees. 

Cadogan smiles and says, “Well that’s what you are going to have to do to stop me.”

Bellamy and Clarke look at each other, Clarke quickly regaining her strength to stand on her own. Bellamy says, “We can’t have him following us.”

“Shoot him in the leg,” Clarke suggests. “It will hurt, but it doesn’t have to be fatal. And if it is, oh well. But I am ready to be out of here.”

Bellamy takes her hand in his. “Me too.”

Before Cadogan gets another word out, the shot rings out in the room. There is no one outside the MCAP room right now, but there will be soon. They have to leave right now. 

Clarke and Bellamy speed out of the room and head towards the cell block towards their friends. When they get there, and before they enter the first cell, Clarke wraps her arms around his shoulders. She can feel his warm tears soaking into her shirt, and she is sure he can feel the same from hers. 

“I’m so glad you are back. You scared me to death!” Clarke sobs into his chest.

“I am so sorry. What I experienced in that other world… I still don’t know how to explain it. But it wasn’t worth betraying my family and friends. Nothing is ever worth that.”  
Clarke pulls back so she can look into his dark eyes. “Let’s go save our friends and get out of here. Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect.” With their mutual agreement, they barge into the cells and gather up their friends to take them to safety.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Comments and kudos appreciated! <3


End file.
